Self-awareness is a journey few embark on because the realizations are often just too hard to swallow.  Seeing yourself more clearly can feel like coming out of a nice cozy slumber only to face a glaring light pointed directly at your eyes.  Although uncomfortable, self-awareness is a vital step in moving toward greater health and wholeness.  Perhaps it’s realizing how some event in your past is still affecting you in the present.  Maybe it’s understanding for the first time why you get so angry during routine conflict with those closest to you.  Proverbs 4:7 states, “Though it cost all you have, get understanding.”  Sometimes the price we pay to get in touch with what’s really going on inside is high.  But whether it’s time, money, emotional pain, or relational drama it’s always worth the price.

When we pay the price to gain understanding about ourselves we are no longer fighting or being influenced by invisible factors.  We finally see why we react the way we do and relate to others in the same old pattern.  We finally see what’s behind that deep sense of insecurity when we’re put in the spot light or asked to lead in some capacity.  Sometimes the understanding comes quickly and seems obvious.  Take for example a young man who was physically and verbally assaulted by his father growing up.  He may think about the abuse he faced every day and be able to clearly see how his childhood has hindered his ability to bond now with the young woman he’s dating.  He may smother his girlfriend, seeking the approval and validation from her that he never received as a young child.  And then in a flash, his anger may push her away if he can’t meet her expectations.  Her normal concerns pound like a hammer on the exposed nerve of his ‘father wound.’  Even those with low levels of self-understanding can make the connection here.  Perhaps the more difficult task is for those who grew up in seemingly healthy homes. 

In “healthy homes,” the motto is that nothing is wrong and there aren’t any issues worth discussing or calling much attention to.  Below this veneer of having it all together lies the more subtle wounds inflicted by parents on their children.  Because some families and parents never openly talked about their mistakes or broken areas, wounds have been buried for years.  It usually takes some traumatic event in the life of these now-adult children to expose their childhood wounds.  Some people in their thirties and forties have never looked at their childhood through adult eyes.  They’ve never taken a close look at their own childhood journey because they assumed little if any insight would be gained.  Herein lies the great danger.  We all grew up in broken homes but only some of us realize it.  We all grew up amidst varying levels of dysfunction but hardly ever come to face that reality.  Our well-meaning parents failed us.  They weren’t perfect.   No matter how nice and neat our upbringing may appear on the surface, there are insights to be gained for those brave enough to explore them.

Take for example the daughter who grew up with a well meaning mother who protected her from anything risky or remotely uncomfortable.  On the surface it appears she has the most attentive and loving mom on the planet.  Although doing her best, Mom is actually crippling her daughter and pre-programming her to experience high levels of fear, apprehension, and anxiety later in life.  Or what about the son who grew up with a well-meaning dad who thought he was doing his due diligence by showing up at all the sporting events?  What dad failed to do was connect with his son emotionally and check in on the true heart condition of his boy.  On the surface Dad looks like the present and involved father we all long for.  But his son grew up not knowing what emotional connection is all about.  In fact, he may actually have an aversion to intimacy and be unable to process other peoples’ strong feelings.  Both son and daughter in these scenarios may never examine their family origins because on the surface they appear solid.  Again, herein lies the problem; the lack of self-awareness and understanding about how the past is affecting the present...and the future if realization doesn’t come. 

Looking back at our early years can be tough.  We do it not so we can blame our issues on mom and dad or justify our mistakes by playing the victim card.  We do it so we can understand ourselves and help those we love understand why at times we digress into rather childish ways of relating.  We do it so we can learn to walk on new pathways that lead toward intimacy and a more healthy holistic way of relating.  When understanding comes we usually have more compassion on ourselves.  When we explain our insights to those around us they too will have more compassion.  The level of anger and annoyance will diminishes as we realize we are all in the process of recovering from something.

Things you can do to increase your self-awareness:

            Learn to put your feelings into words

            Honestly evaluate the realities of your childhood

            Examine the areas of pain in your life

            Ask yourself why you’re vulnerable to certain sins 

            Pray Psalm 139:23-24 every day

            Go see a Christian counselor

            Read “How We Love” by Milan and Kay Yurkovich